November '23 — Domestic Violence

[Polegnyn Nemeara]

TarValon.Net talks...
Domestic Violence​

This month @Dianna Melear and the Servant of All Team will be focusing on the topic of Domestic Violence: types of domestic abuse and how to spot them, why people stay and how we can support someone in that situation, and resources to help people leave domestic abuse situations and rebuild their lives. As with last month, we understand this is an incredibly sensitive topic for many. We will support anyone willing to share their experience as much as one feels comfortable in doing so, even if that means posting what you private message anonymously on your behalf. We are here for you.

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[Dianna Melear]

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence – also called Domestic Abuse, Relationship Abuse, or Intimate Partner Violence – is the broad term used to categorize types of behaviors employed by an individual to control and maintain power over their partner and/or family. An abuser maintains this power and control through different tactics that can include harming, intimidating, manipulating, and controlling their intimate partner or family members, forcing the survivor(s) to comply and behave in ways that they wouldn’t otherwise choose.

Domestic violence affects people from all backgrounds, genders, sexual orientations, communities, and economic standing. One in three women and one in four men experience some form of domestic violence during their lifetime, either directly as a victim/survivor of abuse or by witnessing it as children.

There are many different types of behaviors that can fall under the category of Domestic Violence. Multiple forms of domestic abuse or domestic violence are often present at the same time in abusive situations.

• Physical Abuse - Any intentional, unwanted contact with the survivor or something close to the survivor or any action or behavior that causes or is intended to cause injury, disability, or death to the survivor.
  
  Spoiler: Examples include but are not limited to…

  • Punching, slapping, kicking, biting, choking, pulling hair, or throwing things at the survivor
  • Using or threatening to use weapons against the survivor
  • Trapping the survivor or preventing the survivor from leaving home or another location
  • Not allowing the survivor to eat, drink, or sleep
  • Harming the survivor’s pets or children
• Emotional Abuse - Non-physical behaviors that are used to intimidate or manipulate the survivor into submitting to the abuser
  
  Spoiler: Examples include but are not limited to…

  • Threats (including threats to harm the survivor, their pets, their loved ones, or for the abuser to commit self-harm or suicide)
  • Insults (including name calling)
  • Constant monitoring
  • Excessive texting
  • Humiliation
  • Isolation
• Financial Abuse - When one partner controls the other partner’s access to financial resources and opportunities for advancement, with the goal of limiting the survivor’s ability to support themselves and force the survivor to rely on their abuser for support.
  
  Spoiler: Examples include but are not limited to…

  • Depositing the survivor’s paycheck into an account the survivor can’t access
  • Forbidding the survivor from working or limiting the hours that one can
  • Getting the survivor fired by harassing them, their employer, or their co-workers
  • Stealing from the survivor, including maxing out their credit cards without permission, taking student financial aid checks, government stimulus checks, food stamps, etc.
  • Giving the survivor presents or paying for things with the expectation of getting something back in return
• Technological Abuse - The use of technology – like texting or social media – to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate a partner. This is often linked emotional abuse that is posted online for others to see.
  
  Spoiler: Examples include but are not limited to…

  • Controlling who the survivor can or can’t be friends with on social media
  • Sending negative, insulting, or threatening emails or messages
  • Constantly texting or making the survivor feel like they can’t be separated from their phone
  • Using any kind of technology – such as spyware or GPS – to track or monitor the survivor’s whereabouts, behavior, and activities
• Sexual Abuse - Any behavior that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do. This can also refer to behavior that impacts or limits a person’s ability to control their own sexual activity.
  
  Spoiler: Examples include but are not limited to…

  • Unwanted kissing, touching, or other sexual activity
  • Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity
  • Refusing to use condoms or other types of birth control or restricting access to birth control
  • Threatening, pressuring, or otherwise forcing the survivor to have sex or perform sexual actions
• Stalking - When the abuser watches, follows, or repeatedly harasses the survivor, making them feel afraid or unsafe.
  
  Spoiler: Examples include but are not limited to…

  • Showing up at the survivor’s home or workplace unannounced or uninvited
  • Sending or leaving unwanted texts, messages, letters, emails, or gifts
  • Using social media or technology to track the survivor’s activities
  • Waiting around at places where the survivor commonly spends their time
  • Damaging the survivor’s home, car, or other property

These days, the term “survivor” is used more commonly than “victim.” Survivor is a more empowering term used by Domestic Violence Advocates, people currently experiencing abuse, and people who have successfully moved on from abusive situations. “Survivor” implies that one is not powerless, even if one is currently experiencing abuse.

Sources:
https://www.finabilityus.org/about-abuse/overview
https://www.domesticshelters.org/identify-abuse
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/

Spoiler: Domestic Shelters Youtube Video "What Is Abuse"

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYMkE6YSmWk

 

[Ruslan Rynar]

Quick note; technology abuse also includes access to technology. I.E., controlling when and if the person experiencing DV has access to technology.

 

[Dianna Melear]

Quick note; technology abuse also includes access to technology. I.E., controlling when and if the person experiencing DV has access to technology.

Yes, great addition!

 

[Ananke Ruadh]

Thank you for tackling such a difficult and painful topic. I think many are familiar with the more common threads, but there are some that might get brushed off, or downplayed easier than others.

Isolation, especially, is so damaging in ways that people don't expect. The loss of friendships, family ties, even potential friendships due to the control... it's hard. It intentionally makes it harder to leave, due to the lack of social safety nets or a support network that would listen and encourage the survivor to leave. That might make it easier to leave, knowing there's a place to land. To have those potential exits cut off? Beyond demoralizing.

Along with this, consider

Spoiler: spiritual abuse

the Abuser restricting their victim from practicing their faith, forcing them to convert to another, or to renounce their faith entirely. This is another form of physical and emotional abuse that denies a sense of community and fellowship, access to support networks, and in some cases forms a secondary reinforcement of abuse if the spiritual/religious organization supports the abuser over their victim. (especially in instances of forced/arranged/coerced marriages)

For any present, I See you, Survivor ❤️ #MeToo

 

[Dianna Melear]

@Ananke Ruadh thank you for highlighting these additional types of abuse. Isolation is absolutely a form of DV that can be deeply damaging but hard to recognize from the outside.

And you're absolutely right that Religious/Spiritual Abuse can go hand in hand with emotional/physical abuse and isolation, especially if the abuser and/or survivor are part of a religious or spiritual community that reinforces abusive relationship dynamics.

Thank you everyone for your contributions so far to the list of types of domestic abuse/domestic violence! If people think of others, share them here so that we can continue to shine a light on this important issue.

 

[Dianna Melear]

How to Recognize Abuse

The first step in getting help when experiencing Domestic Violence or Domestic Abuse is recognizing that you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship. As we discussed in the first post, abusive relationships can happen in many different dynamics – parent/children, friends, romantic partners, etc.

You may be in an abusive relationship if…

• You’re afraid of your partner, such as being scared to say what you think, to bring up certain topics, or to say no to sex
• Your partner is excessively critical of you, including what you wear, how you look, or how you think or behave
• Your partner isolates you from your friends/family
• Your partner threatens to physically harm you and/or does actually physically harm you

It can also be hard to recognize if someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, especially if the survivor is afraid to talk about the abuse. Here are some signs to look out for in others that can indicate an abusive relationship:

• A pattern of injuries – such as large bruises, sprains, or broken bones – that are excused away
• Personality changes, like a drop in self-esteem in someone who was usually confident
• Constantly checking in with their partner, including about their location, time when they’ll be home, etc. This includes a fear that their partner will be angry or upset if they don’t check in enough or at agreed-upon times or intervals
• Being overly worried about pleasing their partner, including fearing or regretting to “consequences” of not pleasing their partner enough
• Never having money on hand
• A pattern of skipping out on work, school, or social outfits for no clear reason, or because their partner “doesn’t want them to go”
• Wearing clothes that don’t fit the season or temperature, like long sleeves in summer to cover bruises or other injuries
• Someone is telling you they’re being abused

If someone is telling you they’re being abused or is discussing patterns of behavior that sound like abuse, believe them. As we discussed in our first post, sadly domestic violence/domestic abuse is not rare, and is much more common than people realize. A survivor’s friends and community can be their closest and best resources for getting out of an abusive relationship. In our last post, we’ll discuss resources that survivors can use to get out of an abusive relationship and rebuild their lives.

Source: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-domestic-abuse-signs

 

[Dianna Melear]

Resources for Domestic Violence Survivors

Domestic violence can feel hard or impossible to escape. As we’ve discussed in previous posts, abusers seek to control, manipulate, and isolate those that they’re abusing, which can make finding and accessing resources incredibly challenging. Thankfully, the internet makes a wide variety of resources significantly more accessible for those seeking them.

• https://myplanapp.org/ - This free app is great for those who are looking to create a plan to leave their abusive relationship, but who aren’t yet ready to work with an advocate. It’s fully customized, and has a lot of great tips about device and tech security for survivors just in case their abuser is monitoring their devices or internet history.
• https://www.domesticshelters.org/ - A database of resources including shelters and hotlines that is searchable by zipcode. Local hotlines and shelters are significantly more likely to refer survivors to relevant resources than the National Hotline (which is often just redirecting survivors to a local hotline anyways). Local shelters and hotlines also have significantly shorter wait times.
• https://www.finabilityus.org/ - Has a lot of great resources for how to identify abuse, and a toolkit to help survivors regain financial stability and independence. A great resource for survivors who are looking to rebuild their lives and livelihoods after escaping domestic abuse.
• https://www.loveisrespect.org/ - A website that caters to teens and young adults to teach them about healthy dating practices and how to help themselves or friends and loved ones identify and escape domestic abuse

These are just a handful of the hundreds of great resources that can be found online to help survivors of domestic violence escape their abusive relationships and rebuild their lives. If you’re currently in an abusive relationship or you think that someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, I strongly encourage you to share any or all of these resources. Also, if you know of any other resources that you’d like to share, please feel free! The more resources we share with each other, the more we as a community can help those in abusive relationships.

The number one resource that any domestic abuse survivor has is their community. If someone you know tells you about the abuse they’re describing, believe them and be there for them no matter where they are in their survivor journey. Not everyone is ready to leave the abusive relationship or seek additional resources. As painful as that can be as a friend, it’s important to be patient and be there for those we love so that their abuser can’t isolate them. The resources will still be there when survivors are ready to seek them.